SAMMY ENJOYS SHOOTING PEOPLE!  WHEN THERE AREN'T PEOPLE TO SHOOT, SAMMY WAGES WAR WITH HIMSELF IN HEAVILY POPULATED AREAS!  SOMETIMES, DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS GET KILLED BECAUSE THEY WALK INTO MY BULLETS AND FOR THIS, I'M SAD!  WHAT DO I DO WHEN I'M MOTHERFUCKING DEPRESSED?  I EAT A GARBAGE CAN FULL OF FROZEN LEAN POCKETS AND SING THE MOTHERFUCKING BLUES!

Sexual Well-being


(NOTICE THE EXCESSIVE USE OF THE WORDS "MOTHER" AND "FUCKER"!  SOMETIMES I USE THEM TOGETHER!)

YEAH!

I'M LIKE A BLACK JOHN LEE HOOKER!  HELL MOTHERFUCKING YEAH!

TELL ME WHAT YA'LL THINK!... OR ELSE!

-SLJ

WELL TODAY, SAMMY WENT OUT FOR A NICE QUAD-STACK DEATH-BURGER FROM BURGER KING!  BECAUSE I'M FUCKING BRILLIANT (IN THAT MY SYNAPSES COMMUNICATE WITH ANCIENT SUMARIAN LANGUAGES INSTEAD OF PUSSY-ASS ELECTRICAL IMPULSES), I DECIDED TO WEAR A COSTUME SO I WOULDN'T HAVE MY PICTURE TAKEN BY SOME TRICK-ASS-PUNK-BITCH PAPARAZZI DOUCHE-NOOSE (HERE'S A SECRET ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE: WE DON'T SMILE IN PHOTOGRAPHS BECAUSE, IF WE DO, OUR SOULS WILL BE STOLEN AND WE'LL BE FORCED TO BECOME SOULLESS BLACK EXTRAS IN A WAYANS BROTHER MOVIE... JUST LIKE DAVID ALAN GRIER!)!



SPEAKING OF THE WAYANSES, I TOOK A PAGE FROM THEIR MOVIES ("THEIR" MEANING THAT THE WAYANSES ARE ONE ENTITY NOT UNLIKE THE BORG AND WILL ONE DAY DESTROY THE WORLD... "WORLD" MEANING BLACK COMEDY AND "ONE DAY" MEANING LAST YEAR), I DRESSED UP LIKE A CRACKER BITCH!  THAT SHIT WAS HOT (TO PARAPHRASE THAT SKELETOR-LOOKING SKANK WHO LIKES TO HAVE SEX WITH NIGHT-VISION-EQUIPPED ROBOTS!)!  YEAH!  I EVEN TOOK A PICTURE BEFORE I LEFT:



YEAH!

ANYWAY, WHILE I WAS TRUCKING MY ASS DOWN THE MAZE OF DARK ALLEYS THAT I USUALLY TAKE TO FIND FOOD, SOME BROKE-ASS BITCH LOOKED AT ME!  THAT'S WHEN AN IDEA STRUCK ME!  PREEMPTIVE COUNTER-STRIKING!

BEFORE THE BITCH COULD EVEN BLINK, I BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF HIM WITH A TIRE IRON!  BECAUSE I ASSUMED HE WOULD ATTACK ME INSTEAD OF CONTINUING TO INNOCENTLY RUN HIS ORPHANAGE, I LEFT THE SCENE GUILT-FREE (AND WITH A NEW WALLET)!

WOO, MOTHERFUCKERS!  I JUST BEAT THE SYSTEM... YOU CAN TOO!

-SLJ

P.S. NO, I DIDN'T MUG THE GUY'S CORPSE... IT GAVE ME HIS WALLET!  I'M IN-FUCKING-VINCIBLE!  I'M A LIVING KONAMI CODE! WOO!

P.S.S. FUCK YOU, GRIER!  YOU KNOW WHY!

WELL, I FINALLY GOT MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT FROM STEVEN SEAGAL!  IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING TATTOO OF A SNAKE ON MY PENIS!  THAT SHIT IS FUCKING CRAZY!  THE CRAZY PIECE OF SHIT EVEN DID IT HIMSELF WHILE I WAS SLEEPING (I THINK HE PUT ROHYPNOL IN MY NOG)!  YEAH!

HERE'S A PICTURE (WARNING: THE PENIS YOUR ABOUT TO SEE IS FUCKING GIGANTIC!):



COMING ON A PLANE NEAR YOU (AND BY PLANE, I MEAN VAGINA!) !

YEAH!

-SLJ

SAMFNJACKSON@HOTMAIL.COM!

FEEL FREE TO SEND ME A MESSAGE!

A WARNINGl: IF I GET BUT ONE SPAM ELECTRONIC-MAIL, THOUGH, I'LL DIRTY BOMB THE ATMOSPHERE AND WE'LL ALL HAVE TO GET USED TO BREATHING THROUGH OUR SKIN (LIKE THE LAST TIME I HAD MY PERIOD)!

-SLJ

WELL, SAMMY HAS FINALLY NARROWED DOWN HIS NEW YEAR'S REVOLUTION!  AFTER LONG LAST HERE IT IS...

I'M GOING TO EAT MORE BABIES AND HUG MORE ZOMBIES!

YEAH!

OR IS IT HUG MORE BABIES AND EAT MORE ZOMBIES?!

FUCK IT, I'LL JUST EAT MORE ZOMBIE BABIES!

-SLJ
P.S. IS IT ZOMBIE BABIES OR BABY ZOMBIES?  SOMEONE HELP A NIGGA OUT!

AS I ALLUDED TO IN MY ANGER-FUELED LAST INTERNETS POST, I HAVE BROKEN THE RECORD FOR MOST CONSECUTIVE TIMES A CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER HAS WATCHED SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!  DANNY MORMONSTENCH OF WALKING COCK, IDAHO THOUGHT HE WAS A SMUG LITTLE BITCH WHEN HE WATCHED IN 13 TIMES IN A MOTHERFUCKING ROW... WELL, GUESS WHAT, YOU BIG-EARED, BITCH?!  SAMMY JUST HIT THE REVENGE BUTTON!  YESTERDAY, AT 26:70 PM (SAMMY STANDARD TIME), I FINISHED WATCHING SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE 12,288 TIMES SINCE IT CAME OUT ON DVD (YOU BEST HAVE BOUGHT A FEW COPIES!) ON JANUARY 2ND, 2007!

STUPID, FAT-FACED ASSHOLE:  BUT, SAMUEL, HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!  HOW CAN YOUR MAGNIFICENT ASS POSSIBLY WATCH YOU FUCK UP AN ARMY OF SNAKES THAT MANY TIMES IN ONLY A DAY OR SO?!

ME!: SHUT YOUR BITCH-HOLE, NANCY!

I'LL TELL YOU HOW MY CRAZY-ASS PULLED THIS SHIT OFF!  I DIDN'T FREEZE TIME, WHICH SOME OF YOU MAY HAVE BEEN THINKING (ALTHOUGH I COULD HAVE, IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN FAIR TO ALL OF THE WHINY-ASS DANNY MORMONSTENCHS OF THE WORLD)!  INSTEAD, I JUST STOLE 768 COPIES OF THE MOVIE FROM A FEW BEST BUYS IN LOS ANGELES (FREE SHIT TASTES, LOOKS, SOUNDS, AND SMELLS BETTER... THEY FEEL ABOUT THE SAME AS PURCHASED STUFF, THOUGH) AND LOADED THEM INTO MY TELEVISION ROOM, WHICH IS A PERFECT CUBE OF TELEVISIONS (128 TELEVISIONS ON EACH SIDE -- 128 TELEVISIONS X 6 SIDES = 768 MOVIES WATCHED... 768 MOVIES WATCHED X 16 TIMES WATCHED = 12,288 TIMES WATCHED! SEE KIDS!  MATH IS GOOD FOR LOTS OF THINGS... LIKE BODY COUNTS AND STEALING COPIES OF YOUR OWN MOVIE(S!) FROM RETAIL STORES)!  FUCK YEAH!

DUMBASS MOTHERFUCKER WITH BELL'S PALSY:  MMUT, MM MMMM PPFMMM MMPMM MMM!

ME!: YES I DID WATCH EVERY SCREEN AT THE SAME TIME, GODDAMMIT!

I'LL TELL YOU HOW I DID IT!  NO, I DIDN'T SPAWN SPIDER EYES (ALTHOUGH YOU BEST BET I MOTHERFUCKING COULD!)!  I BUILT A GYROSCOPE FROM SCHEMATICS THAT I FOUND ON A "CONTACT/JODIE FOSTER FUCKING ROCKS ASS" MESSAGE BOARD AND SPUN THAT SHIT FASTER THAN LIGHT SPEED (WHICH I HAVE SINCE NAMED "DARK-SPEED" BECAUSE I MAN THE MACHINE NAKED AND ALL YOU CAN SEE WHEN I HIT DARK-SPEED IS AN AMORPHOUS CLOUD OF AFRICAN-AMERICAN BLUR!  WOO!

SO, THAT'S HOW I DID IT, BITCHES!  GOOD LUCK TO ALL THE CRAZY MOTHERFUCKERS WHO EVEN TRY TO TOP THAT SHIT!

-SLJ

P.S. NO, I HAVEN'T PUT CLOTHES ON SINCE MY VICTORY AND YES, I AM THE ORIGIN OF DARK MATTER!

WELL, I MADE A HUGE FUCKING MISTAKE THIS MORNING (WELL, SAMMY DON'T REALLY MAKE MISTAKES... I SHOULD SAY THAT MY ACTIONS EVENTUALLY LED TO AN UNPLEASANT SITUATION!  NOT THE GOOD KIND OF UNPLEASANT SITUATION EITHER -- Y'KNOW, THE ONE WHERE DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS ARE RUNNING AROUND WITH MELTING FACES AFTER I SHOOT THEM WITH MY ACID-LAUNCHER -- THIS SHIT WAS UNPLEASANT FOR SAMMY!  NOT... MOTHERFUCKIN'... COOL!

SO, AFTER DESTROYING THE PUSSY-ASS WORLD RECORD FOR MOST CONSECUTIVE TIMES SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE WAS WATCHED BY A SENTIENT BEING, I FOUND MYSELF WATCHING RERUNS OF THE REAL WORLD DENVER ON THE MTV!  I QUICKLY BECAME ANGRY AND MOTHERFUCKERS WOULDN'T LIKE SAMMY WHEN I'M ANGRY!  I VOMIT BLOOD OUT OF MY EYES LIKE A LIZARD GOING APESHIT!

ANYWAY!

TYRIE, OR BLACK GUY #2 (WHICH WAS ALSO THE NAME OF MY ROLE IN SHAFT), AND THE GAY GUY WERE HAVING A FIGHT ABOUT THE GAY GUY HAVING DRUNKEN PHONE SEX OR SOMETHING, I WASN'T REALLY PAYING ATTENTION BECAUSE NINJAS HAD BROKEN INTO MY GUN -ROOM (NOT A ROOM WITH GUNS, BUT AN ACTUAL MOTHERFUCKING ROOM MADE OUT OF ACTUAL MOTHERFUCKING GUNS!) AND I HAD TO NEUTRALIZE THE SITUATION WITH MY SIX-SIDED ELEPHANT-PROD!



BUT, FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND, BLACK GUY #2 HAD A PROBLEM WITH THE GAY GUY HAVING BUBBLES SHOT UP HIS BUTT FOR PLEASURE IN THE HOT TUB!  SAMMY'S BEEN KNOWN TO MAKE LOVE TO POOLS IN HIS DAY (WHICH IS WHY I'M NOT ALLOWED AT SEA-WORLD ANYMORE), SO GUESS WHAT?!  SAMMY DON'T PLAY THAT!  THAT IGNORANT MOTHERFUCKER WAS ON MY HIT LIST (WHICH I REGULARLY UPDATE AND POST ON CRAIGSLIST... JUST AN F.Y.F'N.I!)!

SO, I HIJACKED A PLANE (ANYONE TO MAKE A SNAKE JOKE CAN EXPECT A STONECOLD STUNNER FOR EASTER!) AND FLEW MY ASS TO DENVER!  APPARENTLY, SATAN HAD COME BACK TO EARTH IN THE FORM OF NUCLEAR BOMBS MADE OF SNOW AND SHIT ALL OVER COLORADO!



APPARENTLY, THE WEATHERMAN WITH NICK CAGE WAS SUCH A BAD MOVIE, THAT IT PISSED SATAN OFF TO THE POINT WHERE HE FROZE HELL OVER TO WALK AMONGST US LIVING MOTHERFUCKERS AGAIN (I'M PRETTY SURE THAT KELLY OSBOURNE'S VAGINA HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS SHIT TOO! -- ANOTHER NAME FOR THE LIST)!




TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, I BECAME FROZEN A FEW BLOCKS BEFORE THE REAL WORLD HOUSE IN DENVER!  A NOSY PHOTOGRAPHER CAPTURED MY RAGE:



AFTER I THAWED (AND DELIVERED UNTO THE SMUG MOTHERFUCKER A BEAUTIFUL SHITPUNCH, INSTANTLY KILLING HIM THREE TIMES OVER), I SCREAMED OBSCENITIES FOR A FEW HOURS OUTSIDE OF THE REAL WORLD HOUSE, RUINING PRECIOUS HOURS OF FOOTAGE, WHICH MAKES ME WARM ON THE INSIDE! WARM AND MOTHERFUCKING FUZZY!

SO, I GUESS IT WAS AN OKAY VACATION ALTOGETHER!  I'VE HAD WORSE (DON'T ASK TO SEE THE RHINO SHOW IN RWANDA), SO I'M NOT COMPLAINING TOO MUCH!

UNTIL NEXT TIME, MOTHERFUCKERS!

-SLJ

P.S. YES, I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I MELTED THE SNOW AROUND ME IN THAT PICTURE!  I HAVE TO EMIT THE HEAT THAT BUILDS UP IN MY DUCTS OR I RISK OVER-HEATING AND MY BATTERY WOULD EXPLODE, WHICH WOULD MEAN I WOULD BE RECALLED!  FUCK THAT SHIT!

WELL, TWO-THOUSAND-MOTHERFUCKING-SIX HAS COME TO AN END!  SAMMY WISHES ALL OF HIS FANS A GREAT GODDAMN YEAR!  I KNOW I'M A FEW DAYS LATE, BUT AFTER DRINKING A FEW BATHTUBS FULL OF SAMMY -SAUCE -- A 2-1 MIXTURE OF CARBONIC ACID AND POLAR BEAR BLOOD -- I PULLED AN INCREDIBLE HULK AND LEVELED HALF OF DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES (YOU MAY HAVE READ ABOUT IT IN THE TABLOIDS!  WELL, I HAVE A MAJOR FUCKING BONE TO PICK WITH THEIR SKINNY ASSES!  I WAS WEARING MOTHERFUCKING UNDERWEAR IN THOSE PICTURES OF ME GETTING OUT OF MY MEGA-HUMMER AT THE GAS STATION!  ANY PICTURES THAT SHOW MY BLACK ASS -- COMPLETE WITH SCARY-ASS C-SECTION SCARS -- ARE FALSIFICATIONS!  SAMMY'S PREPARING SNAKE-CANNONS FOR EACH OF YOU PHOTOGRAPHER MOTHERFUCKERS WHO SAY ANY DIFFERENT!)

ANYWAY!

SAMMY HOPES YA'LL IS KEEPING IT REAL!  I HOPE SO... 'CAUSE 2007 IS THE YEAR OF THE LOUD!

BWAHAHAHA, MOTHERFUCKERS!

-SLJ

OH YEAH, BITCHES!  DON'T FORGET TO PICK UP THE SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE DVD OR I'LL PUT E. COLI IN YOUR CHALUPAS!



OH YEAH, AND BE SURE TO PICK UP A FEW COPIES OF THE SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE OFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK AND PLAY THEM ALL AT THE SAME TIME LIKE A FUCKING FLAMING LIPS ALBUM!  YEAH, BITCH!  IT CONTAINS OVER 100 MOTHERFUCKING JUICY-ASS SONGS ABOUT SERPENTS SUNG BY SAMMY LOUD JACKSON!  HELL FUCKING YEAH!




WORD THE FUCK UP!

YEAH!

WHAT?

YEAH!

BITCH!

-SLJ

P.S. YEAH!

she_snailie BROUGHT THIS TO MY ATTENTION:

Montgomery Man Narrowly Escapes Death

LONG STORY MOTHERFUCKING SHORT: I WAS STILL HIBERNATING!

COME GET ME, MOTHERFUCKERS!

WOO!

-SLJ

GUESS WHAT, MOTHERFUCKERS? SAM FUCKING JACKSON IS STILL ALIVE!  I NEEDED TO HIBERNATE MY ASS TO COMPLETE THE CIRCLE OF MOTHERFUCKING LIFE!  I'M LIKE A FUCKED UP SIMBA! WOO, BITCH!

SOME OF YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT I HOSTED THE GODDAMN VIDEO GAME AWARDS!  TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, I WAS STILL ASLEEP!  SOMEONE TIED PUPPET-STRINGS AROUND MY BULGING LIMBS AND MADE ME DANCE LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING CLOWN FOR THE WARCRAFT GEEKS!  I THINK MY DAMN AGENT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT, THAT SON OF A BITCH!  HE CAN EXPECT A NECK-SHATTERING IN THE NEAR FUTURE!

ME FIVE MINUTES AFTER WAKING UP!:

OH, SOME FUCKER PUT A LITTLE COWBOY HAT ON MY HEAD!  SAMMY DON'T PLAY THAT JOHN WAYNE BRADY SHIT! AFTER EATING MY URANIUM-RICH DIET, I'M GOING TO BREAK SOME BALLS (OR VULVAS, IF THE PERP IS OF THE FEMALE PERSUASION)!  START RUNNING NOW, BITCHES, 'CAUSE SAMMY'S MOTHERFUCKING COMING!

BA-BA-BOOEY, MOTHERFUCKERS!  IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK!

-SLJ

"TO MY FANS,
HEY MOTHERFUCKERS!  I'M CURRENTLY HIBERNATING!  I HAD TO EAT TWICE MY WEIGHT IN SPINACH (E. COLI GIVES ME STRENGTH) TO PREPARE, BUT I MOTHERFUCKING DID IT!  YEAH!  I HOPE NONE OF YA'LL ARE WORRYING ABOUT OLD SAMMY 'CAUSE I'LL BE BACK TO SENSLESSLY KILL INNOCENT PEOPLE IN NO TIME!  I NEED MY MOTHERFUCKING BEAUTY SLEEP!

GOOD NIGHT, BITCHES!

-SLJ"

FROM THE ASSOCIATED PRESS:

"Idaho Couple's Home Infested With Snakes
Sep 26 7:35 PM US/Eastern

The Hepworths knew the house would require some maintenance. But they never thought they'd need a snake charmer. Shortly after Lyman and Jeanine Hepworth began working on a rundown property outside of town, they experienced a trauma more fit for Samuel L. Jackson's character in "Snakes on a Plane" than a pair of eastern Idaho do-it-yourselfers.

Snakes, perhaps thousands of them, fell on Lyman Hepworth's head when he opened the door to a pump house near the small house the couple planned to buy.

"When it warmed up, we walked onto the yard and the whole yard moved," Jeanine Hepworth told the Rexburg Standard Journal.

One day, Lyman Hepworth reached to turn on a light and discovered the pull cord was actually a snake.

Last March, the Hepworths were having money troubles. Struggling to pay off their medical bills and make house payments, they sold their old home.

They planned to buy a home and a couple of outbuildings from an acquaintance on a few acres outside tiny Wilford.

Then they found the snakes _ in the lawn, in the living room and in their hair.

Turns out the property was a winter snake sanctuary, likely a snake den or hibernaculum where snakes gather in large numbers to hibernate for the winter, said Lauri Hanauska-Brown, a biologist with the Idaho Department of Fish and Game.

In the spring and summer the snakes fan out across the wilds of eastern Idaho, but as the days get shorter and cooler, the snakes return to the resting place _ in this case, the Hepworth's new home _ where they ball up for heat.

The snakes are likely a terrestrial garter snake, Hanauska-Brown said. Reptiles are a protected species meaning the Hepworths cannot bait them or kill them, she said.

The couple has not contacted Fish and Game to move the garters, Hanauska-Brown said. The department would attempt to move the snakes, but it could be difficult because if they move them too far they would die and if they move them close by the snakes would likely return to hibernate, she said.

"They are used to going there and kind of balling up," Hanauska-Brown told The Associated Press. "That sounds kind of Indiana Jonesish. But this is a natural thing."

The Hepworths never moved in, but Lyman Hepworth's brother is still making payments, though the seller offered to refund their money when he found out about the infestation.

Their plan: They sent a videotape of the house, their children and, of course, the snakes to the producers of "Extreme Home Makeover," in hopes the television show would send its decorators in for a filmed renovation.

The video showed snakes slithering on the back porch, climbing up the foundation and a ball of snakes on the side of the home, Jeanine Hepworth said.

The couple will not find out if the show chooses their reptile refuge for a fix-up challenge until next year.

Meanwhile, summer has turned to fall. And the snakes that have been out for the summer are making their way back to Hepworth's little home in Wilford."

I TOLD YOU ALL TO "NOT TRY THIS AT HOME" BEFORE SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE PREMIERED, DIDN'T I?  IF I DIDN'T, I SHOULD HAVE BECAUSE THIS SHIT CAN GET YOU KILLED!  I MEAN, I LIVE IN A HOUSE THAT'S FULL OF SNAKES, BUT I'M A MOTHERFUCKING PROFESSIONAL!  SNAKES ARE LEGLESS REPRESENTATIONS OF LUCIFER WHO TRY TO GET INNOCENT, NAKED CHICKS TO EAT APPLES!  THERE'S PROBABLY SOME METAPHOR IN THERE SOMEWHERE, BUT THE POINT IS THAT I SWORE TO WIPE EVERY SNAKE OFF OF THE FACE OF THE EARTH (AND THERE'S NOTHING P.E.T.A. CAN DO ABOUT IT!)! 

WELL HEPWORTHS, IF YOU HEAR GUNSHOTS DURING THE NIGHT TONIGHT, JUST BE WARNED THAT IT'S GONNA BE ME!  I'M GOING TO BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE USING MY JIMMYSTICK AND THEN I'LL FIRE BLINDLY INTO THE DEAD OF NIGHT, TRYING TO KILL THE HEARTLESS SNAKES THAT HAVE TAKEN OVER YOUR HOUSE (I HOPE YOU TWO HAVE ARMS AND LEGS, OR YOU'LL BE CAUGHT IN THE CROSS-FIRE)!  ALSO, I'LL PROBABLY BE DRUNK OFF OF FERMENTED PAINT THINNER!

SAMMY TO THE RESCUE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

-SLJ

WELL, AS OF 11:34 PM ON TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2006, I HAVE RECEIVED 11 VOTES FOR THE PRESIDENCY OF THE UNITED STATES OF THE AMERICAS!  BY SIMULTANEOUSLY MANIPULATING SEVERAL LOOPHOLES IN AMERICAN JUDICIAL SYSTEM, MY ATTORNEY, GARY BUSEY, HAS FOUND A WAY FOR ME TO BECOME PRESIDENT OF THE U.S.A. COME THE MID-TERM MOTHERFUCKING ELECTIONS!  WE FOUND A WAY TO CHEAT THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE AND THE OFFICIAL VOTING DATE AS WELL, SO I'M TECHNICALLY THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!  HELL YEAH, MOTHERFUCKERS!


DUN! DUN DUN DUN! DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN!

-SLJ

P.S. IF YOU WANT TO DONATE SOME CONFETTI FOR THE VICTORY PARTY, MAKE IT BLACK!  BLACK CONFETTI FOR A BLACK PRESIDENT!  YEAH, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Poll #830561 HOW THE ELECTION BALLOT SHOULD LOOK FOR TWO-THOUSAND-MOTHERFUCKING-8!
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 16

WHO SHOULD BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT?!

New Line signs Jackson to production deal

"Newscom

September 19, 2006

In the wake of his last film, Snakes on a Plane, U.S. actor Samuel L. Jackson has signed a two-year Hollywood production deal with New Line Cinema.

New Line execs were reportedly impressed by Jackson's decision to sign onto the oddly titled film, which has grossed $33.5 million thus far, and signed the 57-year-old actor to an exclusive first-look production deal, said the Hollywood Reporter.

Another factor behind the new deal was Jackson's impressive cinematic resume, which offered roles in dramatic films such as A Time to Kill and Freedomland to parts in quirky or commercial fare including Snakes and 2000's Deep Blue Sea."

The paper reported that Jackson is currently searching for a lead executive for his new production company, whose offices will be located in Los Angeles, yet the actor will remain very involved in all of company's decisions and projects."

HELL YEAH!  CAN YOU MOTHERFUCKERS EVEN FATHOM HOW MANY GUNS I CAN BUY WITH A DEAL LIKE THIS?  I'M GOING TO BE ROLLING IN SEMI-AUTOMATIC FIREARMS!  IN FACT, I'M GOING TO GO DRAIN MY INDOOR POOL (WELL, YOU CAN'T REALLY DRAIN DEAD SNAKES, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I FUCKING MEAN) TO MAKE ROOM FOR ALL OF THE BOOMSTICKS I'M GOING TO BUY!  I'LL BUY SO MANY THAT THE BAD GUYS WON'T BE ABLE TO GET ANY, THUS RIDDING THE WORLD OF GUN RELATED CRIMES (WELL, EXCEPT FOR THE ONES THAT I CAUSE)!  IT'S WIN-WIN FOR EVERYONE!

-SLJ

P.S. EVERYONE ON MY JESUSDAY LIST CAN EXPECT SOME SORT OF PROJECTILE-FIRING WEAPON -- WHETHER OR NOT THE SAFETY IS ON WILL BE THE SURPRISE!  I SUGGEST YOU MOTHERFUCKERS DUCK WHEN YOU OPEN A PACKAGE MARKED "FROM SAMUEL LOUD JACKSON" 'CAUSE I AM ONE CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER!

SAMUEL LOUD JACKSON HAS ACQUIRED A NEW MOTHERFUCKING EMOTION -- PISSED OFF!  THE PROCESS WAS SIMILAR TO DOWNLOADING SOME SILLY-ASS SOFTWARE ONTO A COMPUTER! ACCORDINGLY, I HAVE CREATED A PICTURE TO ACCOMPANY THIS NEW EMOTION!

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO EMOTING ALL OVER YA'LL FACES!

-SLJ

WELL, BLACK SNAKE MOAN IS FINALLY BEING WRAPPED UP!  IF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE WONDERING -- YES,  MY CONTRACT SPECIFICALLY STATES THAT SAMMY HAS TO DO A SET NUMBER OF MOTHERFUCKING FILMS WITH THE WORD "SNAKE" IN THE TITLE!  IT WAS EITHER THAT OR "GIGOLO" AND GIGOLOS ON THE MOTHERFUCKING PLANE DOESN'T SOUND VERY APPETIZING (PLUS, DAVID LEE ROTH IS A HORRIBLE FUCKING ACTOR -- BOZADEE BOZADEE BOP ZITTY BOP MY DARK ASS!)!  ANYWAY, I URGE YOU ALL TO GO SEE THIS SHIT!  I LOOK LIKE MOTHERFUCKING REDD FOXX:



HELL YEAH, MOTHERFUCKERS!

-SLJ

WELL, I JUST GOT BACK FROM A TRIP TO THE SAN DIEGO ZOO!  MY FRIENDS CHRIS WALKEN AND STEVEN SEAGAL CAME ALONG FOR THE FUN, BUT THE TRIP ENDED UP TAKING THREE DAYS BECAUSE I MADE THE MISTAKE OF BRINGING ALONG SYLVESTER STALLONE (APPARENTLY IT'S HARD TO WALK WITH THE BURDEN OF YOUR DEAD CAREER DRAGGING BEHIND YOU!)!  ANYWAY, IT WAS FUCKING FUN!  BEFORE WE EVEN GOT TO THE ZOO, WE GOT TRASHED OFF OF CHRIS WALKEN'S HOME-BREWED BLACKBERRY MERLOT, WHICH TASTED ODDLY LIKE GASOLINE!  WE WERE FUCKING GONE!  WOO!

ANYWAY, WE PULLED UP IN STEVEN SEAGAL'S HUMMER (HE WAS THE DESIGNATED DRIVER BECAUSE HE'S A MOTHERFUCKING PUSSY AND BECAUSE HE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO WASN'T SO PLOWED THAT HE WAS SEEING INTO ALTERNATE REALITIES) AND RACED TO THE TICKETBOOTH!  THANKFULLY, I HAD THREE ALL-DAY PASSES (WITH SIX BULLETS IN EACH OF THEM), SO WE GOT IN WITHOUT THE HASSLE OF A PAPER-TRAIL!  THEN CAME THE ANIMALS!

I WANTED TO SEE THE MOTHERFUCKING ADORABLE-ASS MONKEYS, BUT CHRIS TOLD US THAT IT'S BAD LUCK (HE'S A REALLY SUPERSTITIOUS GUY, ESPECIALLY WHEN HE'S COMPLETELY NAKED!  "THESE CLOTHES... THEY ITCH... I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO... WITHOUT THEM..." HE KEPT SAYING!) TO NOT SEE THE BEARS FIRST!  SINCE I'M PRETTY MUCH THE BEAR OF THE HUMAN WORLD, I AGREED AND OFF WE WENT!  THE BEARS WERE SEPERATED BY RACE (THE BLACK BEAR WAS IN THE BACK-MOST CAGE, WHICH MADE ME WANT TO NUTPUNCH THE ZOO-KING WITH A BULLDOZER, BUT I REFRAINED BECAUSE I WAS SO PLASTERED THAT I THOUGHT I'D TRAVELED BACK TO A MEDIEVAL GERMANIC TRIBE), BUT THEY WERE SOME COOL-ASS MOTHERFUCKERS, SO I WAS HAPPY!

BEFORE WE KNEW IT, THOUGH, STEVEN SEAGAL HAD GONE MISSING!  WE SEARCHED FOR A COUPLE SECONDS AND DECIDED THAT HE WAS PROBABLY DEAD, SO WE BEGAN TO HEAD TO THE AQUARIUM!  JUST AS WE WERE LEAVING, THOUGH, CHRIS WALKEN GRABBED MY ARM AND, WITH HIS DICK (WHICH IS SEE-THROUGH, BY THE WAY -- DON'T FUCKING ASK ME WHY!) BLOWING IN THE WIND LIKE A SHIRT ON A CLOTHESLINE, SAID TO ME, "SAMMY... MY BIG BLACK BROTHER... I SAW... SOMETHING... IT WAS... I DON'T KNOW... THERE... IN THE CORNER OF MY EYE... I THINK WE... YOU AND ME AND SYLVESTER STALLONE... SHOULD GO INVESTIGATE!"  STALLONE SAID "WLLLLFECCHHHHH!" WHICH MEANS "I CONCUR!" ACCORDING TO MY STALLONE-TO-ENGLISH DICTIONARY! I AGREED AS WELL AND WHIPPED OUT MY FLAME-THROWER!

WE HEADED TO THE FAR SIDE OF THE BEAR CAGES, WHERE CHRIS WALKEN SAID HE SAW A FLASH OF WHITE BELLY FAT!  AS WE GOT CLOSER TO THE EDGE OF THE EXHIBIT, A WILD SCREAM ROSE INTO THE AIR!  I SIGHED, HOPING THAT STEVEN SEAGAL WASN'T HAVING ANOTHER GIRLY NERVOUS BREAKDOWN BECAUSE OF HIS FAILING CAREER, BUT THIS WHINE WAS DIFFERENT THAN HIS USUAL ONE!  LO AND MOTHERFUCKING BEHOLD, WHEN WE FINALLY REACHED THE PANDA BEAR CAGE, WE FOUND A SWEATY STEVEN SEAGAL HUNCHED OVER SU LIN, THE NEW PANDA FROM CHINA:



THE MOTHERFUCKER WAS MATING WITH IT! IF YOU'VE NEVER HEARD THE LOVE-SOUNDS OF A BABY PANDA, HERE'S WHAT WE HEARD FOR THE NEXT THREE SOLID HOURS!  IT TOOK TWELVE MEN ARMED WITH RIOT GEAR AND TASERS TO GET HIM OFF OF THE POOR ANIMAL, BUT WHEN IT WAS ALL OVER, WE FOUND THAT THE PANDA WAS PREGNANT, WHICH SHOULD BE MOTHERFUCKING IMPOSSIBLE, BUT I GUESS SEAGAL'S SPERM IS SO FUCKED UP THAT IT WORKED OUT!  THE COUPLE IS EXPECTING IN FABRUARY AND HAVE ALREADY CHOSEN THE NAME "UNDER SIEGE 2: DARK TERRITORY"!

WELL, WE SKIPPED THE AQUARIUM BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, CHRIS WALKEN IS AFRAID OF ANYTHING WITHOUT LEGS OR ARMS (WHICH EXPLAINS WHY HE REFUSED TO GO TO ANY DEF LEPPARD CONCERTS WITH US), SO WE WENT TO THE PETTING ZOO INSTEAD!  A LOT OF LITTLE KID BITCHES WERE HOGGING THE ANIMALS, BUT STEVEN SEAGAL JUST SAID "WATCH THIS" AND THE ROOM CLEARED!  APPARENTLY, HE CAN SHIT HIS PANTS ON MOTHERFUCKING COMMAND -- HOW HE GETS IT AROUND TO THE FRONT OF HIS PANTS IS A MYSTERY TO ME!

ANYWAY, WE HAD FUN WITH THE ANIMALS (NORMAL FUN, NOT TWISTED, STEVEN-SEAGAL FUN)!  AT ONE POINT, I WAS SO DRUNK THAT I GRABBED ONE OF THE WHITE RABBITS AND SCREAMED, "HERE, MOTHERFUCKER!  YOU WANT TRIX?!  EAT IT, YOU RAPIDLY-MULTIPLYING MOTHERFUCKER! HURRY, BEFORE THE KIDS COME AND SCOLD YOUR FLUFFY ASS FOR BEING A THIEVING PIECE OF COTTON-TAILED SHIT!"  APPARENTLY, RABBITS CAN'T BREATH WHEN TRIX KERNELS ARE BLOCKING THEIR WINDPIPES, SO THERE WERE SEVERAL DEAD RABBITS STREWN AROUND THE ROOM!  WE BLAMED IT ON THIS SNOBBY LITTLE TWO-YEAR-OLD THAT HAD BEEN CRYING LIKE A BITCH EVER SINCE SYLVESTER STALLONE ATE THE ONLY BARN OWL IN THE PLACE!  THE CHILD WAS APPREHENDED AND BEATEN IN THE PARKING LOT BY SOME ZOOKEEPERS!  I FELT PROTECTED AT THE SAN DIEGO ZOO, WHICH MAKES ME MOTHERFUCKING HAPPY!

WELL, THE REST OF THE ZOO TRIP IS A HUGE FUCKING BLUR, BUT I DO KNOW THAT, AT ONE POINT WHEN WE WERE IN THE RAINFOREST EXHIBIT, WE SAW GARY BUSEY SWINGING FROM VINES AND EATING SEVERAL PYGMY MARMOSETS!  HE WAS PRETTY GOOD AT IT TOO!   HE EVEN HAD TIME TO PUT THE MONKEYS ON WONDERBREAD AND SMOTHER THEM WITH HONEY MUSTARD BEFORE THEY TRIED TO FIGHT BACK!  HE KEPT SCREAMING "THERE'S HAIR IN MY MONKEY SANDWICH!" AND LAUGHING!  EVENTUALLY, HE WAS TAKEN DOWN WITH A HIGH-POWERED RIFLE THAT WAS FULL OF ELEPHANT TRANQUILIZERS!  FORTUNATELY FOR OL' GARY, HE ALREADY DABBLED IN ELEPHANT SEDATIVES, SO HE GOT HIS FIX FOR THE DAY AND FLED THE SCENE! I WOULD LATER FIND HIM OUTSIDE OUR HOTEL, SLEEPING IN THE DUMPSTER OF THE ADJACENT TACO BELL!

ALL IN ALL, THAT WAS SOME FUN SHIT!  I DEFINITELY RECOMMEND THE SAN DIEGO ZOO FOR A GOOD TIME!  I ALSO RECOMMEND THAT YOU VISIT THE ZOO BLIND-DRUNK AND DANCE WITH THE SHARKS -- THEY ARE ABNORMALLY GRACEFUL FOR A BUNCH OF BLOODTHIRSY MURDER-FISH (AND THEY TASTE GOOD TOO, ESPECIALLY IF YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS GANG UP ON THE WEAKEST ONE AND FRY HIM UP GOOD ON THE HEAT THAT EMANATES FROM CHRIS WALKEN'S JUNGLE OF HEMORROIDS!)  MMM, MMM, GOOD, BITCH!

-SLJ

Stephanie WRITES:
"Dear Mr. Jackson,

I have a problem: my editor-in-chief. It seems that, lately, he's focusing his efforts solely on making the projects I'm in charge of go poorly.

Just yesterday, six hours before I needed to have an issue off to the printer, he decided he didn't like the cover I'd commissioned and had our designer change it. Our publisher hated the new cover and wanted us to go instead with the original -- but because of the delay due to getting the new cover mocked up, the issue is a day late. 

This is becoming an ongoing problem. How do I go about solving this problem, and can you help?

Your adoring fan,
Stephanie

Managing Editor
Outpatient Surgery Magazine"

A HIGHER-UP MAKING THINGS UNNECESSARILY TOUGH FOR PEOPLE AROUND HIM MAKES ME WANT TO CRUSH SOMETHING'S SKULL WITH THE 24-KARAT JOHN SHAFT BRASSKNUCKLES THAT I CARRY AROUND WHENEVER I KNOW I'LL BE VIOLENTLY ANGRY IN FRONT OF PEOPLE I DISLIKE! FORTUNATELY FOR YOU, SAMMY IS GOING TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM!

NOW, THE PROBLEM WITH MR. EDITOR-IN-CHIEF IS THAT SPENDING ALL THAT TIME OF HIS UP ON HIS PEDESTAL, SIPPING NECTAR FROM THE MOTHERFUCKING GOLDEN CHALICE OF DIONYSUS HIMSELF AND TAKING A PAGE OUT OF THE GARY GLITTER HANDBOOK OF WHAT-THE-FUCK?! BY GETTING ILLEGAL HAPPY ENDINGS FROM TAIWANESE ALTAR BOYS DURING "BUSINESS TRIPS" OVERSEAS ON THE COMPANY BUCK, HAS GONE TO HIS HIDEOUSLY OVERSIZED HEAD!  I'LL BE FRANK WITH YOU: YOUR EDITOR IN CHIEF HAS A VERY SMALL PENIS! AND WHEN SAMMY SAYS VERY SMALL HE MEANS VERY SMALL...

[WARNING THIS EDUCATIONAL ILLUSTRATION MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR UNDERAGE MOTHERFUCKERS!]



THIS SAD MOTHERFUCKER IS TRYING TO COMPENSATE FOR HIS WITHERED JIMMY BY BOSSING PEOPLE AROUND!  WELL, SAMMY DON'T PLAY THAT AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU!

HERE'S WHAT YOU DO!  TOMORROW, WHEN YOU'RE IN THE OFFICE AND CAPTAIN SMALLCOCK PRANCES IN LIKE A BITCH EXCLAIMING THAT HE JUST GOT ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKING RAISE FOR WHAT YOUR TEAM DID LAST MONTH, GO UP TO HIM AND CONGRATULATE HIM AS SINCERELY AS YOU CAN (MUSTER THE STRENGTH -- IT'S IMPORTANT!  IN FACT, IF YOU WATCH A FEW OF MY MOVIES BEFORE ATTEMPTING THIS, YOU'LL FIND THAT THE CONFIDENCE AND COURAGE COMES FASTER!)! 

AFTER YOU FINISH THE GROVELING ACT (REMEMBER, IT'S JUST AN ACT -- YOU STILL HAVE YOUR DIGNITY, SO IT'S ALL ACES!), TELL HIM THAT JOE ROGAN IS UP ON THE ROOFTOP AND WANTS TO TALK WITH HIM!  MR. HALF-INCH IS UNDOUBTEDLY ONE OF THOSE MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLES WHO GOES "GEE! THE MAN SHOW WAS BETTER WHEN ADAM AND JIMMY LEFT AND FEAR FACTOR IS JUST SWELL!  I HOPE I CAN MEET JOE ONE DAY!  HELL, I'D BUY HIM A BEER!"  THIS PIECE OF SHIT IS GOING DOWN HARDER THAN BOB SAGAT ON A PILE OF COKE SHAPED LIKE THE OLSEN TWINS' ASSCHEEKS!

FOLLOW THE STUPID BITCH TO THE ROOF AND WHEN HE SAYS "HEY, WHERE'S JOE?" MULE KICK HIM IN THE SPINE!  IF DONE CORRECTLY, THE KICK CAN TEMPORARILY PARALYZE EVEN THE BIGGEST OF ASSHOLES!   DRAG LORD SHORTSTAFF TO THE EDGE OF THE ROOF AND PULL HIM UP SO YOU'RE FACE TO FACE WITH THE SPINELESS MOTHERFUCKER!  "MOTHERFUCKER," YOU SAY, "MOTHERFUCKER, YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY LOST TOUCH WITH WHAT OUR MAGAZINE, OUTPATIENT SURGERY MAGAZINE, IS ALL ABOUT!  YOU AND YOUR HILARIOUSLY SMALL SKIN-HOAGIE NEED SOME SCHOOLING!  I'M STEPHANIE, YOU'RE TEACHER FOR THE DAY... AND CLASS IS IN SESSION!"  DURING THIS LAST PART, KICK HIM OFF OF THE ROOF, MAKING SURE TO MAKE THE IMPACT OF THE KICK WHILE SCREAMING THE WORD "CLASS" FOR THE BEST RESULTS!

AS THE MOTHERFUCKER FALLS FACE FIRST TOWARD THE CONCRETE OF THE SIDEWALK, SAY SOMETHING SASSY LIKE "YOU'LL HAVE THE FEELING IN YOUR LEGS BACK AFTER CLASS!"  IF THE SNAPPING OF HIS ALREADY-DAMAGED SPINE COINCIDES WITH THE "CLASS" THIS TIME, YOU KNOW YOU'VE DONE WHAT YOU CAME TO WORK TO DO!

THE TIME WHILE ADMIRAL STUMPY IS IN A COMA WOULD BE BEST SPENT WORKING ON THE NEW STORY FOR YOUR MAGAZINE -- THE TRAGEDY OF WHAT HAPPENED TO MR. EDITOR-IN-CHIEF AND HIS RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY!  PEOPLE WILL READ THAT SHIT BECAUSE THEY LOVE SEEING THE ASSHOLE WHITE-COLLAR GUY GET WHAT'S COMING TO HIM!  YOUR MAGAZINE WILL MAKE RECORD SALES AND YOU'LL BE PROMOTED TO EDITOR-IN-CHIEF!

ONCE WORD GETS AROUND THAT THE SAD-SACK PIECE OF SHIT IS OUT OF A COMA, GO VISIT HIM!  BE SURE TO TELL HIM THE GOOD NEWS: THE MAGAZINE MADE RECORD SALES DUE TO A SCOOP ABOUT THE STUPID MOTHERFUCKER AND HIS INJURIES (SHOW HIM THE NEW LAYOUT, SPENDING AS MUCH TIME AS YOU'D LIKE ON THE HIGH-RESOLUTION X-RAY CENTERFOLD PICTURES OF HIS DESINTIGRATED SPINAL CORD); YOU'VE HAPPILY TAKEN HIS JOB; HE WON'T BE ABLE TO WALK AGAIN, BUT WATCHING HIM GO THROUGH PHYSICAL THERAPY WILL BE AMUSING; AND THAT THE POLICE FOUND AND KILLED THE STRAY BIRD THAT KNOCKED HIM OFF OF THE ROOF (YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND A BUZZARD CARCASS TO PIN THE ATTACK ON!  KFC MIGHT HAVE SOME LYING AROUND!)  SEE, EVEN THOUGH THE COPS MAY COME AROUND SNOOPING, YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE THE BACKING OF YOUR TEAM BECAUSE THE (FORMER!) EDITOR WAS A HEARTLESS PIECE OF SHIT WITH A SMALL PECKER AND NOBODY LIKED HIM!  PLUS, IF YOU SMEAR PRINTER INK UNDER HIS NOSE BEFORE KICKING HIM OFF THE ROOF, YOU COULD ALWAYS SAY THAT HE WAS WACKED OUT OF HIS MOTHERFUCKING MIND AND WANTED TO DO AN IMITATION OF CHRISTOPHER REEVE!

VOILA!  PROBLEM SOLVED!  HAVE FUN WITH YOUR NEW CAREER PATH AND THANKS FOR THE E-MAIL!  I HOPE I MOTHERFUCKING HELPED!

-SLJ

P.S. BE SURE TO GET HIM A NICE PAIR OF DANCING SHOES AT THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY -- IT'LL BRIGHTEN EVERYONE'S DAY!  AND IF THE MOTHERFUCKER COMPLAINS, JUST TELL HIM "HEY, LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE" AND POINT TO EVERYONE LAUGHING IN THE OFFICE!